alpha 3

sitting in alpha 3 everybody sleep except me im up geeked drinkin on this dirt coffee sitting back thinkin how the fuck this happen to me my put i was always extra careful no new friends with badder habits but who knew the one on my paperwork would be you you called 12 on me told them i sold you bad dope but now im locked up and you still in the street bangin on blood and holla'n suuwoo but you was supposed to be my best friend my day one my go to but you the reason why im in this yellow jumpsuit with pendin charges cuz you cant handle the dope that you smoke hands behind my back head down like fuck who can i call to bail me out no one you took my freedom from me and i can never forgive and forget that then to turn around and watch two other people plottin against me pointin they fingers like yo is this really how the dope game be so much for them tats on you saying loyalty see i always fucked wit you gave you an extra gram or two just trynna put a  lil something in ya pocket but you never did flip it you just flipped yo shit and waited til the time i only had a dub for you to drop the dime on me like bruh why me you always said my poems flow so well and my stories be so true but did you ever think id write one bout a snitch ass bitch and dedicate it to you ?

down thIe road

The whispers I hear when you're not here
Make me understand it'll just be one more day
And I'll be ok
It is your love that carries me day for day
Even tho I'm out here and your in a cell what feels like a million miles away

The chains that bound you
Can't hold our love
Can't break us
Even tho when I say I love you
I can't see that smile on your face

Every letter every call
It's like why did it have to be this
One day we are laying in the bed
Watching movies
And sneakin in a kiss between the wiggles
Of the twins lil toes
But then blue lights flood my memory and it was both of us goin down the road

What am I gonna tell the babies
You said tell them daddy coming home in 2024
And then the officer pushed your head down and slammed the door 

under my nose

how the fuck ws i supposed to know 

that the person i have loved for so many years

was someone who could be so disgusting

so foul 

you hurt that part of me again 

even after all these years i let you and her remain friends

friends was never the word used to describe

the way yall carried on 

the relationship

cuz damn 2 kids goes by 

thats way more than a fling 

but if it wasnt for the fact i found the dna test reults

cuz you were always bad at hiding things completely 

i would never have thought those pretty lil girls she 

birthed like clockwork each of their birthdays

is exactly 11 months apart

looked just like the mother the monster who 

theyd learn from an theyd grow up with frozen bitter hearts

you hid the fact that she was fuckin you so good

you just said fuck it we can still have the baby just say my girl is the 

god mommy and itll make her so happy she wont even think 

about the fact we're on number three

but me and her never concieved 

so you mean to tell me that everytime i hit 11 weeks 

your seed would die so hers could thrive and you wonder why the fuck i was always

crying and contemplating suicide 

the end need to rearrange lol

I don't need you to love me anymore I need you to let me let you go so I can love myself You came into my life like a prince so charming from a fairy tale holding the door, insisting that I walk on the inside, pulling out the chair it was all so respectful and made me feel so secure that the man that I would fall in love with was the man's man he claimed he was but over time you stopped doing those nice things, you said you would never call me a bitch just your bitch and in the the hood the way you put my infront made it a declaration of ownership til that day you just said bitch but forgot the my and that's when I realized this dream was on it's way to becoming a nightmare I wish I didn't continue to have over and over and over again you broke me down piece by piece until you saw me as nothing but destroyed and weak you hated yourself that I was something you could never be that was something you battled with way before me but I loved you as you were or who you wanted your outward appearance to be but the pain in your eyes is something I saw through and you could no longer hide the parts of you that you hated the most is the parts of me you loved until we looked in the mirror one day and instead of two you just saw you and you had achieved what you had set out for your goal was made you turned every thing you loved about me into everything you now would hate I left you there because you had stripped away the layers of me that never can be repaired now and I couldn't allow you the power to keep hurting me because you didn't want your secret to get out I would have never told a soul I just wanted the pain in your eyes to become light again I always told you I just wanted you to find your happiness but it took you to destroy me the end

dark queen not finished

In the darkness I appear 

A beautiful demon 

Illuminated by the flames of hell's fire 

As I spread my wings 

The beauty of the darkness is finally seen

Take my hand and walk with me to the deepest 

Parts of agony

Slowly the blood drips down your fingertips 

And you let go 

The last breath your lungs will release

Now you belong to me in your death now come my king it's time to rule our legion of death and destruction

not finished

Over and over my minds races

Ticking is all I hear 

As the sound of the clock 

Increase my fear of the fact

We are on borrowed time and never know

When it's gonna be time to go

Spaced out I just need to relaxing 

Unwind and let things I can't control

Do what they please cuz I can't do anything

But show too many symptoms of anxiety

Insomnia and disarray it seems like my days are

Short but the nights have lasted for so long

Sleep don't come easy when you're riding 

The amphetamine wave

Alot of nights you just become stuck over thinking

Every thought you ever thought you could think 

I fight my sleep cuz I hate to dream cuz my dreams

Are filled with goblins and goons monsters and demons

the day before my birthday

Why do you hate me so much or make me feel like you hate me. Like I'm not over none of the shit that happened at the end like I'm not. You have had two relationships to my none after we broke up and it's like why can't we fix what was wrong and move on and be happy like why are other bitches getting the parts of you that I hold on to. I wasn't bad to you and I feel like you loved me a lot and you still might do a little bit I dunno but you just are so mean to me to try to push me away or something I dunno but like I ain't never felt like I have about nobody else like you showed me something different during the majority of our relationship and like I guess in a way I never made you feel i appreciated you but I do I always have and I have needed you since the day you came in my life and we had a vibe that was one of a kind. I hate this everyday without you has been hell like on some real shit I make so much money and buy shit every day to fill a void I guess but I should be sharing this with you like you really was there when I was still new to this but now I'm really getting money it's like none of it matters cuz we ain't getting money together like we was this was supposed to be be our come up but I guess I'll never get none of that back I just need to let it go cuz I fucked our relationship up and you refuse to let me fix it and I hate that hurt. Knowing you happy with someone else kills me. I get niggas try every day to get to know me and all that shit and I won't let nobody in. I know you not gonna talk to me or come now but I just had to get this shit off my chest I'm sitting here the day before my birthday in tears because there's one thing I can't get in this world that would make me happy again but no matter what I'll never turn my back on you no matter what do you can always come wherever I'm at I'll always help you get on your feet and have somewhere for you to lay your head regardless of everything. I wish we had fought for our relationship to last but ain't nothing else I can do to get you to try again with me so it is what it is. I love you daddy nugget and that's just from my heart you always gonna be a special person I had in my life. 

sleep paralysis

Im looking in the mirror at a haunted image of the un dead I keep seeing shadow things coming towards me but I can't run my feet won't go my body fuckin weak nightmares are like my reality in the day light this shit is a fuckin fright help me help me I can't deal open up and swallow that pill Sleep paralysis will have you in between a heavenly slumber and the bows of hell close your eyes and count to 10 in your vision all you see is dead men sleep paralysis its got you trapped so much that you wish you would never wake up again Creepy lil images out in the shadows lurkin in the cut so you can't see what they trynna do to you cut you from ear to ear but only in your sleep cuz once u woke all that shit is a blurr but that scarecrow really is an ax murderer better run and hide if you look him in the eyes you just caused your demise Sleep sleep no sleep to scare the goblins hon get me I cant sleep it's like im on no doze I can't sleep cuz it's like the devil haunts me Sleep paralysis Sleep is what happens when you're dead

love me

Can you love me like cliff loved claire? Do you think of me when I'm right there and miss me when we're apart? DOes it make you angry to picture me being introduced as someone else's ol' lady? Would you cry for me if anything ever happened? What about on our wedding day, will your eyes fill with tears of joy and love for our union for etnerity? Do you crave me like i crave the taste of your flesh against the top of my mouth. That day you showed me your heart was the day mine went from broken to healed on the spot/ You cant describe to me in words how are the only one God made for me. The journey I have made in my life to find you was well worth it tho you'll be the last cancer my heart will ever know.

pretty girls in the trap

They say all the pretty girls love the trap the life the money its all so fast pretty girl in the trap slow down this life don't last cuz the pretty girl in the trap always falls in love with the dope more than she will ever love the dope boy eventually the only way she will ever see herself clearly is when the pretty girl in the trap has a bowl to her lips or a rig to her skin the prettiest girls always got the worst habits and the saddest stories The pretty girls love the trap cuz they can erase the real them and become that pretty bitch that everybody envies pretty girls in the trap are constantly running a race to try to cure the pain but no amount of dope will ever make her heart unbreak The stories that the pretty girls in the trap tell some are the truth but most are lies to cover up the real them they are trying to hide; that's why we are looked at so hard by the outside eyes but really were just scared lil girls with tears in our eyes because we know what happens when daddy comes in the bed with us when mommy isnt here the pretty girls never grow from that trauma instead they just bottled it up and keep letting life fuck them over and over again pretty girls in the trap she gets so high, she nods out with a smile and lets the fent numb them from all the pains they cant make go away Its a way to forget everything the world has thrown in her path it hurts too much so the pretty girl gets high to stop remembering certain things that made us be who we be line after line turns into glass bowls fill with dope smoke that we roll because we have lost all hope but the smoke stops being enough to stop the anger the frustrations and the why's that we constantly contemplate the bowl turns int a rig puncturing her skin there she is a pretty girl pronouced dead from an overdose on fent and herion the pretty girl veins filled with dope is finally free from the chains that held her down now she is a caged bird who has been set free RIP MARANDA PACE I LOVE YOU FOREVER!

anti personality in disorder

See you may think that I am a bitch with a face thats always looking serious i never have a smile im forever frowing but what I see is a woman who is tired from years of torment and abuse who is sick of being mistreated and used if i walk around like i hate you then it wont be hard for you to figure out that i dont want you to intertwine yourself in my web of bullshit and lies that i created to keep myself out of the way because just like everyone else you are only in my life to hurt me mentaly i am drained i wish everyday these feeelings would go away i hate being frustated sad stressed and lonely but i love my solitude the feeling is my only joy sometimes in this fucked up world my identity is unknown even to me i cant tell you how many times a day i split into another version of my complex personality happiness is a feeling i dont know the meaning of but from this point on it is a feeling that i want to never stop im just an antisocial butterfly who is about to clip her wings

crazy

back and forth my mind going 1000 ways I don’t know who I am no more its like I am 4 people to your one I hear thte voices they call out for me all the time but I can never see them just hear them in the distance repeating my name like a constant nag So many times I think I should have just took the rope and tied a belt in a loop around the shower and kicked the bucket from under my feet cuz living each day like this is making me wish I never had to breathe again This earth is my hell and my temple is me I am the only one that sees im truly the goddess and you arent meant to be anything to me Ah my head it’s another split Then I snap out of it and back into a cloudy and dazed reality I cant take it no more Shadow peope fuckin with me playinn hide and seek I think ima take them down to the creek The water is shallow but it willl do I think this the night I end my life and yours too I hate everything about this nut you are the sacrafice to me a life with battling all these multtiple personaonlites that love everything in this world that is addicting. Please just let me let the demons go they can have my soul I dont need it I just needed lto be a caged bird freed along time ago

the switch

damn im sitting here tears fillin up my eyes i cant believe that cold day in hell finally arrived i begged you to stay but you just kept walking away i didnt think all of the lies would catch up with me but here i am the one with one more lie between clintched teeth Im sorry ….. thats gonna be the phrase that haunts you forever cuz its the only thing i could really say but see the manipulating me was right there ready to start her bullshit just with a new victim a new scene a new face same heart that can easily break I keep taking these good men and making them into the monster i see when i look into the mirror a good man is gone and the damage i caused will live with you through the next relationship or two beyond the faintly faded memories of me and you i wish you hadnt been so weak i took you for everything even tho you got tired and left me the damage i did tho that will be a lifelong thing that goes from breakup anger to a characteristic of your personaility see i told you eventually i will turn you in to everything you hate id turn you into me and the next girl in your life will have to deal with the bullshit that i made

love or drugs

Love or drugs march 1st 2023 milan Faded As We Lay high in the sky call out your name but you're no reply I run as fast as my body can go but I Feel So weightless like I've lost all control Where are you my love please don't go I can't it will cause me to give up on everything but then I wake up and I see that smile that I've Loved for so many years and I say to you it's either love or the drugs cuz the dope seems to be seems to be breaking out bond in every single way and I cried every single day I hate the day that you make Fentanyl I wish we could go back to the day before it happened because our lives would be so different but I fell in love with you and we fell in love with the drugs so I say this is my love it's either our love or the drugs The nightmare finding you needle in your arm has become something only feared into reality I wish I could escape But addicts we are you're the one battling so much more pain that the only the Euphoria of Fentanyl seems to erase Is scary is scary to see how we've gone from being on top to not having shit not even enough for our daily ball l but I stuck with you through it all The good days and the bad days we've gone through through sickness withdrawals and relapses and survived it all But I know that once all the Smoke Clears our love was never stronger than the drugs and that would be our downfall Again my love I wish you love me as much as you love fentanyl so I asked you this it's either our love or the drugs Lying in the bathroom floor I find you turning cold and blue and this is the moment that I knew The day I found you dead from an overdose was the day I lost my heart my soul and my best friend I wish you would have picked our love but I guess you picked What you loved most of all

life of a dope feen

Let me paint you a picture of the reality Of living life As a dope fiend That 20 is never going to be enough You’ll call the dealer again Inhale the smoke that soothes your Soul And takes your mind to places unknown You used to smoke for the fun of it But deep down its cuz you wanted to mask some shit Hide away all the bruises that you know are there Even tho they have faded away It started out so simple didn’t it Now your in the bathroom floor with some foil a spoon and a needle You were the prom queen they said But now you just wish the life you had Would have never happened And that the fairy tale it was supposed to be Was everything you turned out to be You are In denial of the truth And that’s why you have arms with track scars as proof Itching scratching away at the nothing that is your oblivious imagination Addiction is like hell but we on earth talking and breathing Battling that demon You cant blame anyone for this shit but yourself You had it all at one point in time But now your just sick all the time The dope is so good you will do anything for it So you spread your legs for $20 or $30 dollars You got him off and all you got was a hit And that’s not gonna last long So you jumpin in and out of cars All night long You are chasing the dragon but the dragon isn’t there And it just isn’t fair how you fucked your life up And made the choice to go from a QUEEN to a junkie I mean a fiend or whatever you wanna call it however you wanna be seen The love you never had as a kid you swear you’ll find it in  A foil wit fent in it But there is no love in that shit Just arrests, court dates, sickness and regret It’s a point you know when the high aint high enough And it doesn’t numb your pan away So you shoot up some more and then your body drops

dope

time it moves so ever slowly when you are only up anticipating the very thing that should be freighting but the curosity always killed the cat so they say so now here you lie at 3 am wide awake because you and the bowl just cant part ways silly lil addict how awake do you want to be the dope lies to you it makes you think you are that bitch but really nobody actually notices you the dope consumes you what used to be something so beautiful is now nothing but a miserable disaster the dope lies to you it makes you want to fuck every tom dick and harry when your hiv screen comes back the dope tells you its ok just lie to them like he lied to you the dope overpowers you and you now have no control but baby girl remember it all started with wanting to be somebody and rollin that bowl life is nothing but smoke and mirrors but when you add a substance to it it aint that much clearer even tho we are high enough and feel like we are touching the sky the only thing we are really doing is trudging along and dancing with the devil this life its so fake take me back to when all i knew about meth was that it was blowing up billy n dem cuz they asses were making shake n bake i love who i am have become but i hate this is how i found myself again dope is the destroyer of love, of life and of all happinesss eventually the ice isnt enough so you turn to heroin and fentynal and thats usually what ends it all the dope lies to you it makes you think you are that bitch but really nobody actually notices you the dope consumes you what used to be something so beautiful is now nothing but a miserable disaster the dope lies to you it makes you want to fuck every tom dick and harry when your hiv screen comes back the dope tells you its ok just lie to them like he lied to you the dope overpowers you and you now have no control RIP MIRANDA PACE I WILL FOREVER AND ALWAYS HOLD YOU IN MY HEART I HOPE YOU ARE FLYING HIGH WATCHING OVER US ALL AND MAYBE ITS BECAUSE OF YOU WHY SHALLOWFORD IS FINALLY ABOUT TO FALL

cash and bird

I'm sorry for everything I didn't do I'm sorry for the things I should have done I'm sorry I fell in love with someone who I thought was gonna love me forever but it ended in just a couple months but those were months I could live over and over and over again cuz I never want that time to be replaced by memories with someone else I want you and you only and I want you to myself we are usually up but for now we have fallen and you have gone back to the past and left me in the present broken hearted unsure of what the future holds for us if it in fact brings us anything although I pray it does because now you've imprinted on my mind my body and my soul it's almost physically impossible for me to function without the other half that makes us a whole you never could have guessed that your life would have impacted mine the way it did but the moment I looked you in your eyes as we woke up that first night together I knew I never wanted to wake up next to anyone else but you you gave up too easy and I didn't fight hard enough so now we're at a stage where you feel I owe you and i feel like even with the money I'll never be good enough it was just yesterday when we were in love n shit now being around is non existent but I wrote this for you cuz you slick low key wanted a poem written about you from me and here it is Cash will you please forgive me for not knowing that loving you would be one of the most beautiful yet hardest things to do the only hard part is letting you go back to a place i feel once caused you hurt you know the grass aint always green sometimes its just plan ol dirt your heart and mine are connected thru the end of time but let's let that come day at a time so i say to you can you remember that soft spot in your heart for bird cuz bird loves cash and that's da word

the beginning

The Truth Let me tell it See this here is the truth about me and you or you and I, whichever is the grammatically correct way to represent the us we have become you are my stars my moon and I am the Goddess of the night but when you look at me I turn into the Sun beaming from ear to ear with rays of light I cant imagine what my world would be like without you cuz up til you found me on badu my world was so dark and unhappy i was always so fuckin miserable because your soul was searching and my soul was trying to run away from anything that had to do with love cuz love had blinded me and made me feel like I am less of the Goddess I know our creators especially blended together from broken plaster and thats why I am a broken woman until valentines day the year was 2023 and I had never thought another person's confusing text would have lead me to the inbox of the one i refuse to ever ever be without again its like the first time my energy and yours intertwined the plaster's cracks began to smooth themselves out I can see so much hurt and pain in your eyes and it kills me that anyone would ever cause you any pain but can you just let me love you and the damage will soon heal the wounds you never thought could be sealed you complete so many of the missing pieces of my life i know now that everything we have experienced has lead us to be so scared to love again but for that reason our hearts are unseperable i love you for so many reasons i dont think i have enough memory on my laptop to begin to tell you i love you because you love me just as i am and i love you because you are the perfect man i hope my next son grows up and wants to be ive never had someone do the things you do for me and if you ever leave me i know i will lose the biggest part of me and that scares the fuck out of me Cash on my mama n dem you know my kids n granny We will have a thousand more fights, a billion more kisses, a trillion more i love you's and makeups and breakups and prenups cuz baby i believe in you and i know you gonna be on food network one day so fine so talented and so famous this shit aint no joke you my husband you my soul mate and the reason i finally am whole not shattered with abusive post tramatic memories can you let me love every part of you i want you and i to be in this not just together but for eternity cuz i still see you with my hand in yours as we cross into the next journey i dont deserve you i think you deserve the world that you give me unselfishly you are taking a spoied princess and turning her into a queen I love you my Daddy Nugget, my Cash, my Mike C never think different never doubt us and never think that i dont love you for you fuck all that other shit you are my baby fr and i thnk me without you would probably end up killing me I can tell how you look at me that you really do love me so i really wrote all this to say thank you i appreciate everything you have done and will ever do for me its means so much more thna i think you will ever know

changes

how the fuck was i supposed to know that the person i have loved for so many years was someone who could be so disgusting so foul you hurt that part of me again even after all these years i let you and her remain friends friends was never the word used to describe the way yall carried on the relationship cuz damn 2 kids goes by thats way more than a fling but if it wasnt for the fact i found the dna test reults cuz you were always bad at hiding things completely i would never have thought those pretty lil girls she birthed like clockwork each of their birthdays is exactly 11 months apart looked just like the mother the monster who theyd learn from an theyd grow up with frozen bitter hearts you hid the fact that she was fuckin you so good you just said fuck it we can still have the baby just say my girl is the god mommy and itll make her so happy she wont even think about the fact we're on number three but me and her never concieved so you mean to tell me that everytime i hit 11 weeks your seed would die so hers could thrive and you wonder why the fuck i was always crying and contemplating suicide

spun

what do you do when the drugs you do aren't getting you lit anymore they are barely covering the war wounds you were trying to cover thats why you started using in the first place everything you wanted to hide from the past seems to be slowly creepin up and no longer are faded memories but a vivid picture of your reality The crash out seems to be the best been up for 4 days tweakin youve spun out of control which is rare cuz you usually dont tap out unless youve been awake for at least 2 weeks You look in the mirror hair ecverywhere bags under your eyes mascara smeared from the tears you' re standing there looking at a demon who for so many years you tried to bury but knew one of these would reappear so you're spun out don't know which way to go you hold the gun to your head but cannot seem to pull the trigger cuz you are really scared to meet the reaper you fall on your knees asking god to heal you from all the pain you suffer but you know God aint listening because all the other times you didnt take heed now you're lost you take the rig and break it in half swearing you will never chase the rabbit down the hole again cuz its no wonderland where dope takes you If you or someone you love is suffering from addiction in any of its many forms seek or encourage them to seek treatment. You are not alone!